I’ve read that if an avalanche buries you and you’re lying there underneath all that snow, you can’t tell which way is up or down. You want to dig yourself out but pick the wrong way, and you dig yourself to your own demise. That was how I felt, disoriented, suspended in confusion, stripped of my compass.
hawke: im going into hightown anyone want anything
anders: freedom for mages
hawke: yeah i got like 3 bucks
my mom: is everything to you a joke?
me: i, personally, am a joke
She was a barely-hidden warzone. She joked about death in a way that made my heart ache. She would look me in the eyes and say, “God, I hope I get hit by a car.” Everyone around us would be laughing. It was terrifying; this dance she had of half-shown torment.
One day I asked her “what have you been through that you make comments like that?”
She just laughed.